


i want to love a boy the way i love the ocean

by theinsanelycooltheatrekid



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleepy Cuddles, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:41:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25975354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinsanelycooltheatrekid/pseuds/theinsanelycooltheatrekid
Summary: Evan wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand, and Jared took the chance to peek at his phone.3:57am.Jesus Christ.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 22
Kudos: 70





	i want to love a boy the way i love the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy this fluffy lil oneshot

Jared was awoken by a hand upon his shoulder. He startled awake, fumbling on the bedside cabinet for his glasses, shoving them onto his face.

“Evan? Is that you?” he mumbled groggily.

Evan stood by the head of his bed, sniffling. Jared peered slightly closer and caught a glimpse of the boy's tear-tracked face, shoulders shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself. Jared pulled himself up further, frowning now, reaching out a hand for his arm to pull him onto the bed.

"Hey, Ev, what's up?"

Evan curled up into a ball beside him, clenching his fists and rocking back and forth on his heels. 

Biting his lip, Jared reached for one of Evan's clenched fists, taking it in his hand and gently massaging it until it opened, lacing their fingers together. He ignored the shiver that passed through him at the simple motion, instead shifting closer to him, starting to talk him through his panic attack, counting.

His breathing eventually returned to normal, sobs dying down into sniffles. Evan reached out with a gasp to grab Jared's hand with both of his own, gasping "thank you thank you thank you," and Jared smiled, shaking his head.

"'S nothing."

Evan wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand, and Jared took the chance to peek at his phone.

3:57am.

Jesus Christ.

"Ev, how about we go to sleep, yeah?" Jared yawned, reaching over Evan to place his phone on the bedside table. "C'mere."

"I-but-what?"

Jared rolled his eyes, tucking himself under the covers and gesturing with an arm. Evan swallowed audibly and kept himself to the edge of the bed, knees curled into his chest. 

Jared’s stomach twisted a little. “Evan?”

“Mhm?”

“Uh…” Jared held his arms open, gaze fixed downwards, as Evan slowly rolled over so he was facing him. “If you want?”

Great. Now he had probably made it weird. 

“I- Can I?”

“Uh, yeah, of- of course.” Jared watched, wide-eyed, as Evan wrapped himself around him, tucking himself into his arms and cuddling up to his neck; he was sure that if someone were to turn a light on the colour of his cheeks would be a pleasing pink. “You okay?” He whispered, lips brushing against Evan’s hair. 

Evan hummed slightly into his jaw, sliding a hand up Jared’s back. “Thank you,” he mumbled, and Jared broke out in a dopey grin when he felt Evan smile into his neck. 

“Anytime.”

\--

Snoring by his collarbone was the first thing Jared noticed; tiny, even puffs of breath. He blinked his eyes open, glued together with sleep, and noticed that he was still wearing his glasses, which meant he’d have horrible indentations all over his face now. Great. 

The second thing Jared noticed was the arm thrown across his chest. In the instant it took him to become aware of it, it moved, fingers moving down to brush against his waist. 

Evan was cuddled into him. 

With another jolt, Jared realised that their legs were tangled together under the covers, ankles hooked together. Evan shifted slightly in his sleep, hooking his leg more firmly over Jared’s. 

And then. And then Evan’s fingers met the bare skin of Jared’s waist, t-shirt riding up slightly as he skimmed his fingertips over Jared’s tummy, letting them rest there. 

On the bare skin. 

Of his bare stomach. 

Seven A.M Jared was apparently not adequately equipped to deal with such a situation, because his brain immediately froze, only processing the barest minimum; Evan Hansen’s hand is on your tummy.

Fuck it. He wasn’t just gonna lie here like some sort of dummy. Instead, he wrapped his free arm around Evan, pulling him even closer, knowing that it would send his brain into overdrive but craving the contact nonetheless. 

Evan’s head was tucked into his neck, his hair brushing against Jared’s chin, and he let out a sigh, breath fluttering against Jared’s skin. 

He looked so peaceful, so damn beautiful, in sleep. 

Absentmindedly, Jared brought a hand to Evan’s hair, and _oh no, wrong answer selected,_ because Evan’s eyes were sliding open, and for a second they were sleepy and content and smiling and then they widened and it would’ve been comical if it hadn’t torn at Jared’s heartstrings because then he was being pushed away as Evan scrambled to let go of him, and his stomach was cold and Evan standing, standing at the side of the bed and apologising and _no, why are apologising, you have nothing to be sorry for, I love you goddammit-_

He didn't say any of that though. Because of course he didn’t, why would he? Instead, he blinked, and he said-

“You okay?”

That seemed to stop Evan in his tracks. “Huh?”

“Dude. Are you alright?” Jared rubbed the back of his neck. “You, uh. You don’t have to apologise or anything...what happened? Why…”

He had to admit, he was extremely impressed with how calm and steady his voice was.

He swallowed and continued. “You were fine with- with it last night? I don’t…”

Evan was staring at him with an incomprehensible look on his face.

“I- Am I really that bad that you can’t stand touching me during daylight hours, hm?” Jared said, aiming for a joking tone but falling flat. Evan just looked at him and he tried again. 

“Or- Or was I, y’know, taking up too much space in the bed, hah, with all this,” he added, forcing out a chuckle as he gestured vaguely to his body. “Can’t be lying there holding a muffin-top in your arms!” _Lash, deflect. Self-deprecating humour. Easy._

Jared trailed off his unnecessarily high-pitched laughter as Evan stood there. “Dude, aren’t you gonna say someth-”

He was knocked backwards, head hitting the pillow as Evan all but tackled him to the bed, limbs wrapping around his body. “Wha-”

“Shut up,” Evan mumbled, shoving his head into Jared’s neck. “Shut up. You- Don’t ever say that stuff about yourself again. You’re not allowed.”

Jared blinked. Evan’s full weight lay across him, every part of their bodies touching. “What the fuck?”

“Don’t.” 

It came as one realisation; how close they really were, and that Evan’s body was shaking. Jared managed to summon all his brain cells together to will his arms to wrap around Evan. “Uh, what?” Jared asked again. Granted, it was hard to focus when a certain boy lay in his arms, clinging onto him for dear life; it was like brain freeze only everywhere in his body all at once. 

“Jared.” He had never heard his name spoken with such fervour before. “Don’t talk about yourself like that, please. I- I just- Look, I only reacted the way I did because I thought you would be mad at me.”

“Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?”

“I don’t know because I was _holding_ you like a fucking weirdo and-”

Jared huffed out a laugh. “Believe me when I say I could never, _ever_ , be mad at you for that.”

"-and I dunno, I thought you might hate me for like, taking advantage of you or something."

He tightened his arms around Evan. “Dude. I could never hate you.”

Evan pulled away, rolling off Jared to lie at his side. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Oh.”

Jared looked at him, snorting. “What do you mean, ‘oh’?”

“I- I dunno. Just-”

Evan’s face was screwed up, fists clenched. “Just listen to me for a second and then- and then I’ll go, okay?”

“What?”

_Am I really that bad?_

“Just. Shut up.”

Evan stood up, pacing the area next to the bed before finally settling for standing facing the wall. Jared propped himself up on one elbow, decidedly confused. “What are you doing?”

"Shut the _fuck_ up!” 

And okay, well. That was not what Jared was expecting, and apparently it wasn’t what Evan expected either because he promptly turned around, a million apologies spewing out his lips.

“Shit Jared I’m sorry I didn’t mean that I’m sorry please-”

“Sit down,” Jared ordered, patting the bed beside him. “Sit down and spit it out.”

Evan collapsed onto the bed, shoulders shaking what seemed to be a desperate attempt to keep in his tears. 

What. The. Fuck. 

Jared’s voice wavered. “If you’re sick of me just say it.”

“Wha- Jared, no, that’s not-”

He cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Just fucking- tell me, alright? I won’t cry- Or well, i will cry, but it’s fine, I’ll be fine just quit acting so weird I know I can be an asshole sometimes and it- it makes sense that you’re sick of me by now, so. Go on. Go on!” 

Evan cried out, suddenly, and time froze. “Jared Ilikeyou!”

_Error. Jared.exe is malfunctioning._

“What?”

“I- I love you, okay, and I was taking advantage of you by- by holding you when we were sleeping and I know you’re disgusted okay so I’m gonna leave now I’m sorry.”

Never one to think things through, Jared tugged Evan by his shirt front into a kiss. It was short, and not very pleasant if he was being honest, because Evan pulled away wiping his mouth, and Jared regretted it almost immediately because Evan was staring at him with abject horror. 

They stared at each other for a beat. 

“I don’t- I don’t want a fucking _pity kiss_.”

Jared felt like he had been winded. “That’s not- Not what I-”

“No. Stop. You don’t have to- you don’t have to feel sorry for me just because I’m an ugly anxious mess, alright?”

“Evan.” Jared yelled it almost as loud as Evan did when he was telling him to shut up. “Evan. I like you too.”

“Huh?” It was a whimper, a pathetic breathy little noise, shocked and scared.

“Evan Hansen. I _love_ you.”

Evan let out this long, long breath, an extended “oh” and Jared watched as his hands fiddled with the hems of his shirt. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jared asked, all in a rush, heart beating way out of time because holy fuck what was happening.

Almost imperceptibly, Evan nodded.

Jared swallowed, ghosting his hands across Evan’s jaw, pressing their foreheads together. A single tear spilled from each of Evan’s eyes, and their gaze met for a single second before they were leaning closer, closer, until their mouths met. 

And it was so gentle, so light, Jared held still for a moment, not wanting to ruin it. But then. Then Evan weaved a hand into Jared’s hair, pulling him ever-so-slightly closer. 

Heads tilted and Jared gasped into the kiss, one hand sliding to the back of Evan’s neck. They kissed for what felt like hours, with occasional sniffs and murmurs of “stop crying, dork,” but always coming back to each others mouths, lips and teeth and tongue and it was home.

**Author's Note:**

> comments make my day y'all!!


End file.
